The 22 month itch...

I've been home for almost two years now. Growing humans, raising humans, keeping house. It doesn't sound like a terribly long time, but when you introduce kids into the picture, it most certainly can seem like it is. There's a strange ebb and flow to being a parent; One minute the waves roll over you and you're fully immersed in the wonderful world of parenting. The next, the tide is far on the horizon, and you have no idea when it will return again...all you know is that it will. To say it's an emotional roller coaster seems like somewhat of an understatement.

As many of you know, that first year was no cake walk. Things have become infinitely easier since hitting that 1 year marker, but there are certainly still challenges. I mean, I'm living with two toddlers...there's bound to be ups and downs! Where I'm at right now, quiet frankly, is a bit of a rut. It's no fault of anyone's, especially the girls. I've always preferred to keep my plate at the point of brimming over, and while raising twin toddlers most definitely fulfills part of that need, I'm still finding myself looking for more... Just like every other hobby I've tried picking up, snail mail has fallen by the way side while my motivation takes a sabbatical, awaiting the latest and greatest next big thing! 

I know several women in my mommy circle who have been faced with the decision of staying home or going back to work.....and I must admit, it's a decision I haven't fully committed to either way. On one hand, I couldn't imagine "passing the torch" to anyone, nor would I want to miss out on all those moments I more than likely take for granted in my time with the girls. On the other hand, I'm bored. So bored. I desperately want to get out of the house, to be around people and see the world without that magical polarized lense you see the world through when you're with your child(ren). I don't know about you, but the world is just background noise when I'm with my girls. When I get to walk to the grocery store by myself, it's like I'm seeing a completely different world! I don't get many opportunities to see this world...and I miss it.

I'm guessing if this were an actual conversation, a lot of people would tell me to just take the girls out! To that I must implore that you come grab my girls and take them to, let's say, the Zoo via train (since that's how we do it !) and tell me how it goes. It is exhausting taking two toddlers anywhere that would remove us from our normal routine for more than thirty minutes. They throw fits, they run in opposite directions, they refuse to sit in silence in their stroller as the world passes them by. I get it, baby girls, I really truly do.

So we're in limbo. I don't know what I want out of life, but I know I want something! Sometimes I feel an insurmountable amount of guilt for feeling like being a mother isn't "enough" for me... For the woman who can't be a mother, or who can't stay at home, or anyone else that's looking at my life and thinking "I'll take a slice of that!"... I'm sorry. We are fickle, aren't we? I'm sure there are folks out there who's basic needs are being met, and that's enough for them. One of my penchants for life is geared towards finding my ultimate bliss. Oh, I'm sure one day, far away from this moment in time, I'll look back and realize that I had it all along. That's the beautifully complex secret of life!

Oh, that's Merma-Lisa...the girls new puppet friend. It's not relevant, but it's cute and I felt bad rambling on and not giving you a cute picture to look at :-)